searching for a roommate?

as you know, i live with an 80 year, jewish, divorced woman. it's not fun.
it's been a rough semester living with her. the most recent incident felt like the final straw.
i locked my door over thanksgiving break just for safety. not a big deal right? wrong. i came back she mentioned that she was upset over this.
my locking the door translated that i don't trust her.
when i said it was my room...she shot back that it's her house.
she said i act territorial in her house. locking my room, taking over the kitchen.
what she means by "taking over the kitchen" is that i choose to use my own pots/pans/dishes/cups. she says that when i don't want to use her kitchen stuff, i'm implying that her stuff is dirty and not good enough for me. if i have my own things, why can't i use them?
we've had talks about this already but she won't let it go. i can't believe this is even an argument topic.

when i asked her how she knew my door was locked, she said she could tell just by looking at my door.

but there's no difference if you see my door locked or shut.

guess how she knew i locked it?

i don't want to live here anymore. i've had enough. i live in paranoia...fearing that i might be doing something wrong almost every day.
she says she wants to be a team. but there's only one team in the house. HER'S

she's on antidepressants and plus she's really old. i never know what to expect. sometimes she'll snap at me for nothing. sometimes she'll talk forever. sometimes she'll use my bathroom and it's not pretty.

i want to move out but i don't want to live with people i don't know. but at the same time living here is isolating. i've been looking for a new place to live but it's not looking good so far. i don't know.

i think grad school is actually a spore for depression and lonliness. everyone has their own agenda. everyone needs to study.

i'm thankful nonetheless that i have a place to warm and spacious place to live.

thanksgiving

mom: isn't thanksgiving for families to get together?
irene: yea
mom: i'm sorry it's only us 4. you don't know what it feels like to have all your family around you (they're all in korea)
irene: u don't have to be sorry...i don't know what it's like to have relatives so it's not like i'm missing out. i never had it to begin with.

i can't help but wonder what it'd be like to have a huge family. cuz i do have one. i just don't know them. none of my mom's side came out to the US. my dad's side is spread throughout the US or in korea.

i'm extremeley attached to my family, but i can go for months without seeing them. i don't have intimate conversations with my family, but i know they love me and i love them.

i covet families that always seem so loving and close. daughters that can share struggles with their mothers. sisters that talk every single day. parents that initiate conversations with their children. no language barrier.

the only thing i can do is make sure i provide these things for my own family some day...

but i'm thankful for what i have. parents that still love each other. parents that came to the US with nothing and now have everything they need. a sister that finally feels comfortable confiding in me. parents that hug and kiss me. a small family of four that still love one another even if they disagree with one another.

God, thank you for a family that can sit around a table filled with enough turkey, ham, potatoes, corn, etc. to feed 8. you continue to keep us in good health. i know you're working amidst all the trials.

i want to try looking at the things that i do that...instead of what i don't have.

like a child

i just watched janice's testimonial and it reminded me so much of what i tend to forget in various seasons of my short life. this all makes me question where my joy is in Christ. i've been feeling defeated on and off throughout this semester. i've been comparing myself to other people whether they are in berkeley or at home. i keep thinking why i'm not as smart or creative. and feeling all this prevents me from being driven.

but at what point would anything be enough? nothing that this world has to offer can ever give me everlasting peace and satisfaction. what this world has to offer is like fresh fruit and vegetables. it tastes sooo good but rots pretty quickly.

you want proof?

-i graduated with tons of experiece (or so i thought)
-took a year off and that gave me more experience
- worked super hard to get into Cal,
-finally got in and found out they took 11 out of 300 people...(wow i'm so great)
-i come here and felt so overwhelmed with all the school work (wow i suck)
-then i meet a person who went through my program in years past, and she's only 33 years old and has a million times more experience than i do. -i end up going home and wrote for an hour thinking how much better she isthan i am.

all that work just to end up feeling like i'll never be good enough.
i thought about how prideful this woman was. she made me realize how important it is to have humility even with a lot of prestige. but humility is a tricky thing. it can actually be a vain pursuit. really ironic. once you think you're humble...you're prideful.

and now i sit here and realize how much she humbled me....in a weird way.

i really need to accept that i can't go on comparing myself to other people. not because i don't have something special to offer...but just that God uses people in different ways. and i won't have everything that i admire in other people. i'm not trusting in God enough to develop me for his works. even if my pace is slower or my gifts aren't as plentiful, i want to be thankful for what he has blessed me with.

God calls us to be like a child to enter the kingdom of heaven. a child lacks so many things from worldly perspectives. he is not fully developed, he hasn't mastered anything, he's got a lot of growing up to do. but yet that's all God asks of us.

Matthew 18
1At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
2He called a little child and had him stand among them. 3And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

7"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come!
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thank you jesus for taking my sins and considering me your child and friend even though i don't have much to give. i'm probably going to do this again...many times in my life, but thanks for taking the burden each time.

restore my joy in you.

pick me up

i felt down today, so i went to my newfound favorite corner bakery for a little pick me up.

on tonight's menu...butternut squash soup (first time working with squash...success!) what could possibly make this better? fresh bread...half a baguette for $1.50

there's something special about a sprinkle cookie...

especially when it's the size of my hand.

controversial

i just watched this video and it's got me thinking.

i am a christian. i believe that marriage was created for a man and a woman. but i get what this man is saying

humanity is sinful. sinful men made women a piece of property...

God made men and women equal, but over the course of time...things changed.

not everyone believes in God, let alone jesus. and not everyone will fear the Lord or give him credit. i believe that one day we will all witness the glory of God, whether or not we all believe in him.

marriage is tainted and polluted in this present time. divorce (for any reason) is the consequence of sin. children are devastated...and usually the cycle continues.

since the definition of marriage has been screwed up for centuries, whatever we do will not stop the definition of marriage from be redefined. so let people make their own decisions. why prevent what will inevitably happen?

all this prop 8 business is just causing more strife. being against gay marriage it won't turn people heterosexual. people will be what they will be.

this is a tough topic.

forgive me

is anyone else in love with cameo rings/pendants? i don't know when i started becoming obsessed with them. getting a real deal one is mean to my wallet so i settle for cheapy fake ones...like the one i got from forever 21. cameos are so romantic. can this count as an engagement ring? or is that too wonky? i think i'd sport it pretty well. well it sure is cheaper than a diamond ring... it's like less than two hundred bucks. brian are u taking notes?

PROCRASTINATION :(

school's starting to get hectic! thanksgiving break is so close i can taste it. i can't wait to have a nice 8 day break...except i'll be doing school work during my break.

living with the grandma is a pain. but i'm trying to make light of the situation whenever i can. i feel like such a b-word cuz i dislike her a lot. so i just try to stay away from her when i can. i know this is very un-christian of me. but all i can say is...you try living with her. my mother is a saint compared to this woman. dear God forgive me of my transgressions.

i often feel very small here. when you meet pple who do great things you either feel defeated or inspired. and i am feeling defeated.

but praise God for just being here and having this experience. maybe i'm getting broken so i can be built up as a better version of me. try to focus on the bigger picture.

swak

when you know...you know.

and when it comes to dating...it's about boundaries.
is that the same thing when you're married?

i'm not sure how time flew by so fast since 08 summer. it's strange. but it's cool to keep falling in love for many many months.

what a personal blog entry...

you can judge me, it's okay!

i always want to cook for two. that kinda sums it up.